Behind the Music

There's something incredibly exciting about falling in love with a Christian musician and dreaming about the life and ministry you will build together.                                                                                                         At the beginning, everything feels like a whole new world, and you can't imagine how anything could go wrong.                                                                                                                                                                             Being young, in love, you imagine serving the Lord together, traveling to places you've never been, and watching people's lives change.                                                                                                                                      You picture yourself standing side by side, knowing that God has brought you together for a purpose.                                                                                                                                                                                                    That was how it felt for me with Darrell.                                                                                                                                      I was so in love, and everything about our future was exciting.                                                                    Darrell's passion about Jesus and passion about music made me so proud to stand beside him.      He had a God-given gift for reaching people and touching lives.                                                                                I couldn't wait to see what God would do with his life—and with ours.                                                       When you're in love, you naturally dream.                                                                                                                        You dream about your home, your family, your future, and the life you're going to build together. When that love is combined with a desire to serve the Lord, the dreams can feel even bigger.        You begin imagining a life that has eternal purpose—a life where your marriage isn't just about the two of you, but about serving God together and making a difference.                                                            And in the beginning, everything is an adventure.                                                                                           Watching Darrell minister, and seeing people respond to the Gospel—it was exciting to be part of something that felt so full of meaning.                                                                                                                             Every new place, every concert, and every opportunity to see lives changed by The Word of God felt like another part of the story God was writing.                                                                                                  There were moments when I thought, Could life really be any better than this?                              Ministry, like marriage, has seasons.                                                                                                                                There are mountaintops, and there are valleys.                                                                                                     Behind the smiles can be struggles that no one sees.                                                                                             There were moments when I felt deeply fulfilled and thankful for the calling God had placed on my life, and other times when the demands of ministry left me feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed. There are celebrations and disappointments, open doors and closed doors, financial blessings and financial uncertainty, friendships that become precious and relationships that become difficult. And when you're the wife, you experience many of those things alongside your husband.                You celebrate his victories.                                                                                                                                                         You encourage him when things don't go as planned.                                                                                                You pray when he is discouraged.                                                                                                                                           You hold down the home when he is traveling.                                                                                                               You miss him when he is gone.                                                                                                                                                  You quietly carry things that no one else knows about.                                                                                         From the outside, the music ministry can look glamorous and exciting.                                                  People see the stage, the music, the applause, the alter calls, and the lives being changed.           What they don't always see is what happens after everyone goes home.                                                   They don't see the tired husband busy booking the next tour.                                                                           They don't see the wife trying to keep everything together at home.                                                            They don't see the exhaustion, the pressure, the spiritual battles.                                                                            I learned that the life I had dreamed about was beautiful—but it was not always easy.                        The excitement of being in love doesn't prepare you for every challenge marriage will bring.         And the excitement of serving God doesn't prepare you for every challenge ministry will bring.   But that is part of the beauty of the journey.                                                                                                                  God doesn't show us everything at the beginning.                                                                                                         He gives us enough light for the next step, one step at a time.                                                                         When I look back now, I can see how innocent and hopeful I was.                                                                            I couldn't imagine the roads we would travel, the blessings we would experience, or the extremely difficult situations that would eventually come.                                                                                                           God doesn't always show us what lies ahead.                                                                                                                   It's about learning to trust the One who already knows.                                                                                         God knew every road we would travel, every blessing we would receive, and every difficult season we would face.                                                                                                                                                                                           I only knew that I loved Darrell, that I loved Jesus, no matter what lie ahead.                                           And if I could sit across from a young woman today who was about to marry a Christian musician, I would tell her this: Enjoy the excitement. Dream big. Fall deeply in love. Serve Jesus with all your heart.                                                                                                                                                                                                        But go into marriage with your eyes open.                                                                                                                        The road may be more beautiful than you ever imagined. It may also be harder.                                 There may be moments when you laugh until you cry, and moments when you cry because you don't know what else to do.                                                                                                                                                   There will be days when you feel incredibly blessed to be part of the music ministry and days when you may wonder how you're going to keep going.                                                                                                       Don't let the beauty of the calling blind you to the reality of the life.                                                             Love the man, not just the ministry.                                                                                                                     Understand the calling, but also understand the cost.   Through every high and every low, Jesus can teach you that the calling isn't what sustains you. He is.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE BEGINNING                                                                                                                                                                                                                      When I said “yes” to Darrell, I had no idea that one simple word would unfold into thirty-three years of marriage, seven children, a life of music ministry, and a journey I never could have imagined. Darrell was a gospel blues singer, powerful evangelist, and skilled harmonica player. I was twenty-two years old and Darrell was twenty-seven, and I was deeply in love. I was excited about our future and believed God was bringing us together for a special purpose. I had no idea what that “yes” would eventually mean. I didn’t know it would lead to years of touring and standing beside my husband as his ministry took him around the world. I couldn’t imagine the times when our faith would be tested, or the miracles that would remind me that God had never left us. I just knew that I loved Darrell with all my heart. He was the love of my life. Looking back now, I can see that God was preparing me for a journey I could never have planned for myself. Jesus was teaching me lessons about love, surrender, forgiveness, perseverance, and trusting Him when I couldn’t understand what He was doing.

But before all of that, there was an ordinary sunny Saturday afternoon in 1975.

The Day Darrell Pulled Up in Front of My House

I was washing my new white convertible Fiat X19 sports car in the driveway of my parents’ house in Corona del Mar, California. I had no idea that a sea foam green 1959 Rambler would soon pull up in front of the house, or that the skinny young man with long hair and a long beard who stepped out would become my husband and change the course of my entire life. His name was Darrell. And I had no idea that meeting him was only the beginning of the story God was about to write.

Earlier that morning, my mother had invited Darrell over. He was a student at the School of Theology at Melodyland in Anaheim, located directly across from Disneyland. My mother volunteered there, helping guide students toward the classes that were right for them and encouraging them as they sought God’s direction for their lives. Darrell was trying to understand what God wanted him to do with his life. He had sung in bars before he gave his life to Jesus Christ, and my mother believed that the musical talent God had given him could be used for something far greater. Music ministry was just beginning to take shape. It was opening doors, and she felt the Lord might be leading him in that direction. She could see something in him that he couldn’t fully see in himself yet.

The Jesus Movement

At that time, there was a Jesus Movement sweeping through Southern California, and none of us realized we were witnessing history and possibly a once-in-a-lifetime experience. There was an outpouring of the Holy Spirit moving in powerful ways, transforming lives and healing broken hearts. When I was seventeen years old, my family and I had been part of the Jesus Revival, and it led us to Calvary Chapel. It was not just a church to me—it was the place where my faith had come alive and where I experienced the powerful move of God happening among a whole generation of people. I didn’t know that the man standing in my parents’ driveway that Saturday afternoon would soon become one of the people God would use to help change the direction of Christian praise and worship music. A new sound was being born. Young musicians were using their gifts to share the Gospel and reach a generation through music. Christian bands were forming, and contemporary music was beginning to reach people beyond the walls of the church—people who might never walk into a Bible study. Little did I know that Darrell would become part of that movement.

Life Went On

Darrell lived about six miles away in Balboa on the peninsula, so he didn’t have far to drive to visit my family. I lived about ten miles away in Newport Beach, sharing a winter rental right on the beach with three Christian girls. After that Saturday, life went on. I returned to my normal routine. My mother owned a Jack La Lanne Health Spa, and I worked there three days a week on women’s days—Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I also worked at a restaurant in South Coast Village, a small and beautiful European-style outdoor mall. Darrell went on with his own life, continuing to seek God’s direction and wondering what the Lord might have planned for him. I didn’t see him again for quite some time.

One Year Later

About a year later, everything changed with another unexpected encounter. One morning, I was dropping my little brother off at Maranatha School at Calvary Chapel in Costa Mesa. As I pulled into the parking lot, I suddenly saw Darrell. I was surprised to see him again. It had been about a year since that Saturday afternoon when he had walked up my driveway, and sometimes I wondered what had happened to him. He was smiling, and when he waved at me, I stopped to say hello. He looked like he had something exciting to tell me. As I listened to him, I noticed he no longer had his long beard—and he looked really handsome! He told me that he was now the lead singer of a band called Gentle Faith. They were getting ready to go on tour and were waiting for the van they would be driving. He was excited about what God was doing and about the opportunity to travel, play music, and share the Gospel with people wherever they went. I enjoyed our conversation and wished I didn’t have to leave to drop my brother off. I told him I was really happy for him. Before I left, he asked me for my phone number. I gave it to him.

The First Date

Not long after that, Darrell called me and asked if I would go to dinner with him. I said yes. Darrell took me to a restaurant in Laguna Beach called The Cottage. As we sat together eating dinner, I was getting to know him better. During dinner, he told me something I have never forgotten. He said that when he first saw me, the Lord had given him a vision.  He told me he had never had a vision before. He said the vision was that I was like a closed flower, and that the Lord wanted to open each petal, one at a time. I thought that was amazing. I couldn’t believe that God had given Darrell a vision about me. It felt very special and personal, and his words touched my heart. I didn’t fully understand what it meant. I had no idea what the vision would eventually mean or what God might have in store. But those words stayed with me. Something very special was happening in Darrell’s life. Gentle Faith had been chosen as one of the five bands sponsored by Calvary Chapel. Pastor Chuck Smith carefully selected the bands he supported, and they became known as the Maranatha bands. “Maranatha” means “Jesus is coming.” For Darrell, this was a really big deal. Being part of Gentle Faith and becoming connected with Calvary Chapel was an incredible honor. It was an opportunity to use the musical gifts God had given him and to be part of what was happening through the Jesus Movement. I was so excited for him. I had just met Darrell, and we were only friends, but I could see how meaningful this was to him. I already loved Calvary Chapel and everything that was happening there, so it was exciting to see someone I was getting to know become part of the church and the music ministry I cared so much about. And now Darrell was playing in a Maranatha band. To me, it was incredible. I was excited to see what God was doing in his life and where this new opportunity might lead him. Darrell was deeply grateful for the opportunity and knew what an honor it was to be part of the growing Maranatha! music ministry at Calvary Chapel. Little did Darrell know how far that opportunity would eventually take him. It was an exciting time, and neither of us could have imagined what God had ahead. Looking back now, I can see that this was only the beginning of a journey that would change both of our lives in ways we never could have anticipated.

The First Time I Saw Him on Stage

After dinner, Darrell invited me to an outdoor concert in Costa Mesa where Gentle Faith would be playing. I was excited to see him perform and to experience this new world of Christian music he had become part of. At the time, I didn’t realize that I was watching the beginning of something much bigger than a band playing a concert. God was doing something new in Christian music. The moment Darrell stepped onto the stage, he wasn’t just standing there singing songs. He was sharing his faith. His music was energetic. His harmonica playing was unlike anything I had heard before. He had a lot of charisma and a way of connecting with people. He wasn’t afraid to talk about Jesus or tell people what God had done in his life. I was beginning to understand why my mother had encouraged him to pursue music ministry.

The Proposal

After the concert, Darrell and I continued spending time together whenever we could. We would go places together on my days off, talk, laugh, and get to know each other. Before long, those days became something I looked forward to. We had no idea where our relationship was going. But God was already writing a story that neither of us could see yet. Eleven weeks later, it was Christmas Eve. I asked Darrell if he wanted to spend the day with my family at my grandparents’ house. He said yes. He absolutely loved my grandmother. She was completely in love with Jesus, and her relationship with Him was the most important thing in her life. No matter what we talked about, somehow the conversation would come back to Jesus. I loved watching the two of them talk about the Lord. When it was time to leave, Darrell drove my car and told me he wanted to take me to his favorite park in Fullerton. I didn’t think much of it. I assumed we were going to spend some quiet time together before the evening was over. When we arrived, it was already dark. We stayed inside my car, and Darrell took out his Bible. He opened it to Proverbs 31. Darrell began talking about the Scripture and told me that the Lord had shown it to him earlier, and that he had never read it before. He said he believed God had shown it to him for a reason. He talked about the kind of woman described in Proverbs 31 and what it meant to him. I listened, but after a while, I remember wondering why he was talking so much about Proverbs 31. Then everything became clear. Darrell looked at me and asked me if I would marry him. He was proposing. I was completely surprised. My heart was racing, and for a moment, everything around us seemed to disappear. I had no idea when I left my grandparents’ house that afternoon that I would be sitting in my little Fiat that evening being asked to become Darrell’s wife. It was one of the most special and unexpected moments of my life. I said, “Yes.” Who knew what that one word would eventually mean? But God knew.

Waiting Until Our Wedding Day

I was so excited to be engaged. Everything felt new and special, and suddenly I was planning a future with the man I had fallen deeply in love with. Darrell said something after he proposed that I will never forget: “Let’s not kiss until our wedding day.” I thought that was one of the most special things I had ever heard in my life. Darrell had been very careful with our relationship from the beginning. We never held hands. I had only dated one guy before Darrell, so I was nervous about kissing him. It was such a sweet and meaningful moment, and I knew my life was about to change forever.

New Year’s Eve at Disneyland

The following week, Gentle Faith played at Disneyland on New Year’s Eve. Calvary Chapel had arranged a Christian night at Disneyland. The park would close to the public at five o’clock and reopen at eight for the Christian event. When the gates opened, thousands of Christians poured into the park, ready to celebrate the New Year with music, fellowship, worship, and a spectacular fireworks show. Christian bands were playing throughout the park at different locations. Music filled the air, and young people were everywhere celebrating their faith. Darrell’s message, unique harmonica style, and Christian rock music drew a large crowd that night. That first Christian night at Disneyland was such a success that Calvary Chapel continued booking Disneyland for New Year’s Eve celebrations for many years. Eventually, Calvary Chapel also began booking Knott’s Berry Farm for the same special Christian New Year’s Eve event, alternating between the two parks from year to year. After Disneyland, Calvary Chapel started sending the bands to parks, schools, colleges, prisons, and other churches throughout the United States, England and Vancouver, Canada. Those early events were part of something much bigger than any of us could have imagined. Those days were filled with faith, hope, and the presence of the Holy Spirit.

Asking God If This Was His Will

Darrell wanted to take me to one of his favorite places to pray, the Ramona Bowl, an outdoor amphitheater in the foothills of Riverside County. He wanted us to seek the Lord and make sure it was God’s will for us to get married. When we arrived, it was near sunset, and the whole place was quiet. We had the entire place to ourselves as we sat together and began to pray. We asked God to make His will clear. Darrell believed the Lord would speak to us through three Scriptures. We would close our eyes, open the Bible, and each read the first passage our eyes fell upon. One at a time, we opened his Bible. I remember how serious the moment felt. As we read the Scriptures, the first one was about going through the refiner’s fire. The second was about being seared with a hot iron. The third one I can’t remember, but it was a good one. I asked Darrell, “What do you think this means?” He said, “It means we are meant to be married, and that we are going to go through a hard time, and then it’s going to get easy.” My first thought was, “How hard could it be?” I had no idea. I was just so excited to hear him say that we were meant to be married. I believed it with all my heart and didn’t care how hard times might get. I was ready to face whatever came our way, because I believed that if God had brought us together, we would make it through anything.

Recording a New Sound

As the music ministry was growing, Calvary Chapel wanted to release an album featuring each of the five Maranatha! bands, with each band performing two songs. Gentle Faith was one of those bands. The church paid for the bands to record their Christian music in Los Angeles. This was an exciting time as a new sound in Christian music was emerging, and these young musicians were being given the opportunity to record their music and share the Gospel through their songs. While Gentle Faith was recording their first song, I was fascinated by the whole process. One day, Darrell wanted to take a break. We went for a walk through downtown Los Angeles, and as we were crossing the street in a crosswalk, Darrell was walking on my left. He tapped me on the shoulder. I turned to look at him, and he leaned over and kissed me. I was completely surprised! We had never kissed before, and suddenly, right there in the middle of downtown Los Angeles, he kissed me. I loved it. So much for waiting until our wedding day.

LEARNING TO WALK BY FAITH

A couple of months before we got married, Darrell asked me to quit my two jobs and sell my new Fiat. My dad was not happy about that. The music ministry did not pay much, and Darrell was making only $50 a concert and usually played on weekends. Then Darrell began asking me to make other changes. He asked me to stop wearing jeans and wear only dresses. He knew I sewed, so he would take me to fabric stores and pick out the patterns and fabric he wanted me to make. Some of them were patterns I would never have chosen for myself. But I made them anyway. I still remember one dark green dress with tiny flowers. I wasn't sure about it at all, but it ended up being one of my favorites because I received so many compliments on it. Then he asked me to stop wearing jewelry and only wear my engagement ring. After that, he asked me to stop wearing makeup. That one was really hard for me to do! But I did it because I wanted to show him that I could be a submissive wife. At that time, I believed this was the right choice and that I was honoring God by submitting to my future husband. After I sold my cute car and quit my two jobs, Darrell and I spent a lot of time together. He lived only eight miles away on the Balboa Peninsula and was a short drive to my parents' house, where I was living now. He would come and pick me up in his Rambler. Those days gave us a lot of time together before we were married, and they also became the beginning of a very different kind of life for me. I was learning what “feast or famine” meant. I was learning what it meant to walk by faith and trust God when there wasn't a steady paycheck or a predictable future. And then there was Darrell's Rambler. That car definitely had plenty of personality. Every time I drove it, it made me laugh. The driver's seat sat so low, and the steering wheel was so high and huge that from the outside, all you could see was the driver's head and hands gripping the wheel! I still remember the first time I saw Darrell driving that car. I thought he looked so cute—although he looked pretty funny, too. Those simple days in that funny old Rambler were some of the sweetest days of our early relationship. We were beginning to learn what it meant to step into a life of faith together.

Our First Home and John Wayne

We got married at Calvary Chapel, Costa Mesa. We lived in a furnished one-bedroom duplex on the Balboa Peninsula. Just a block away was the Balboa ferry. The ferry was always constantly coming and going as it carried pedestrians and cars across the bay to Balboa Island. The ferry was next to the famous Balboa Fun Zone, surrounded by water, with the bay on one side and the ocean on the other and smells of corn dogs, cotton candy and popcorn filled the air. Darrell would often walk down to the ferry and spend time with the young guys who worked there. He talked with them about Jesus, encouraged them, and let them know how much Jesus loved them. One day, Darrell was fishing near the ferry when a huge yacht called Wild Goose pulled in front of the small gas station and bait shop where he was fishing. Eventually, Darrell went into the bait shop to get more bait. The cashier told him that the yacht belonged to John Wayne and that John Wayne was inside. Darrell was so excited and went back to fishing and tried not to look obvious that he was hoping to catch a glimpse of him, but he never did.

Five Weeks Into Our Marriage

We had been married only five weeks when Darrell left for a five-week tour in England. I knew before we got married that he was going to go on this tour plus I knew touring would be part of his ministry, and I had agreed to it with my eyes open. But knowing something in my mind and experiencing it in my heart were two very different things. I was about to discover that being married to a man in the music ministry would mean far more than standing  beside him when the music stopped.

Our First Tour

Gentle Faith was getting ready to leave on a two-week tour from Southern California to Vancouver, Canada, stopping along the way to minister at different Calvary Chapels. We had only been married for three months, and we didn't have enough money for food for me to stay home for two weeks. So Darrell had to tell the band that I was going to need to go and he had no idea how they were going to respond. The guys didn't like having wives on the road because wives could create challenges—making their husbands late, bringing tension into the group, or creating drama that could affect the whole band. When Darrell told them about our situation, they were very hesitant, but knew there was nothing anyone could do. Thankfully, they were very kind and understanding and accepted the situation. I knew I needed to do everything to fit in and never make Darrell late or cause any distractions and keep the conversations light and positive. I actually had fun spending time with the guys on the long road trip talking about their families and personal lives. Darrell wasn't much into small talk. He preferred to read his Bible. The tour went so well that they told Darrell that I could go on the next tour if we needed to. It was my first glimpse into what life behind the music would really look like.

The Ministry Grows

Eventually, Gentle Faith came to an end, and Darrell started his own band. The ministry continued to grow nationally and worldwide. God was opening doors, and we knew we were blessed to be part of something He was doing. We saw the impact the ministry was having on people's lives, and it was exciting to watch.  Darrell's gift of evangelism was very unique and was becoming in demand. His God-given ability, sincerity, passion, and deep love for Jesus Christ drew people in, and the Holy Spirit used his words to reach people wherever he went. Whether he was standing on a stage in front of thousands or talking with one person, he had a way of turning the conversation toward Jesus. He genuinely cared about people and wanted them to know the hope he had found in Christ. I watched countless times as people who had never heard Darrell before were drawn to what he had to say. He was sharing what Jesus meant to him, and there was an authenticity in that that people could feel. His ministry took him to places I never imagined we would go, and along the way, God opened doors to people and situations that only He could have arranged. Looking back now, I can see how clearly God had placed that calling on Darrell's life. I was privileged to witness that calling up close—not only from the platform, but from behind the scenes as his wife. I saw the opportunities, the sacrifices, the pressures, and the lives touched along the way. And even through all the difficult seasons that came later, I never doubted that God had a special calling on Darrell’s life to reach people for Jesus.

Behind the Stage

Darrell ministered in churches, schools, prisons, colleges, outdoor concerts, stadiums, festivals and eventually in places I never would have expected a Christian musician to be. Every once in a while, he would play on Sundays during chapel services for professional sports teams, including the Dodgers, Angels, Rams, and Padres. The ballplayers would often tell Darrell how impressed they were that he didn't seem nervous or intimidated. They said that most special guests appeared nervous when they came to speak or perform, but Darrell was completely at ease. He walked in, shared his music, and shared the Gospel as though he were right where he belonged. It was another special part of the ministry God was using to reach professional athletes and others behind the scenes.

A Bon Jovi Experience

The music ministry could bring some unexpected and extraordinary experiences. Here is an example: Darrell was endorsed by Hohner Harmonicas and Fender Amplifiers, and he never missed a NAMM Show. He loved attending, and for nearly twenty years, every February, he made his way to the Anaheim Convention Center for the event, which was held from Thursday through Saturday. The NAMM show is an event where manufacturers showcase and launch new musical instruments, synthesizers, software, lighting, and live sound gear. All three days the convention is filled with wall-to-wall people, famous musicians, rock stars, actors, producers, and people from every part of the music industry. Because Darrell had endorsements, he received three tickets, and I always enjoyed going with him. One year, Darrell was showcasing a Fender amplifier at the Fender booth and playing his harmonica when Bon Jovi happened to walk by with the band Loverboy. They heard the music and stopped. Bon Jovi asked, “Who is that guitar player? He is faster than Eddie Van Halen.” They looked through the crowd to see who was playing and were surprised to discover that it wasn't a guitar at all. It was Darrell playing the harmonica. His playing was so fast and powerful that Bon Jovi had assumed he was listening to a guitar player. Bon Jovi waited until Darrell finished playing and then went over to talk with him. He was so impressed by Darrell's harmonica playing that he asked him if he would like to play onstage the following night with Eddie Van Halen, Billy Idol, and himself. Darrell was very excited. Without hesitation, he said yes.

Onstage With Rock Legends

That Friday night, Darrell played onstage. While they were all performing, Bon Jovi came over to him and said, “You are my idol. Can you teach me how to play like that?” Afterward, the two of them spent some time together talking and getting to know each other. Bon Jovi told Darrell that he was recording his New Jersey album next month. He then asked Darrell if he would fly to Canada to the recording studio and teach him how to play harmonica. Darrell agreed. Darrell knew that learning the harmonica was extremely difficult and that a week would not be nearly enough time to master it. Still, he was excited about the opportunity and willing to teach him everything he could. Darrell spent the week teaching him how to play harmonica. Bon Jovi tried, but soon realized just how difficult the instrument was to learn. Darrell hoped that Bon Jovi might eventually ask him to play harmonica on the new album. That never happened. But Darrell was thankful for the opportunity to spend that time with him and to share the gift of music God had given him.

“Jesus Loves You”

And there was another unforgettable part of that trip. Darrell took our fourth son, who was three years old, with him to Canada. While they were there, our son told Bon Jovi, “Jesus loves you.” Bon Jovi loved it. He put his hand in his pocket and took out his wallet and handed the money to Darrell and told our son, “Tell your dad to buy you some toys.” That is one of those memories that still makes me smile. In the middle of all the famous musicians, recording opportunities, and excitement surrounding Darrell's career, there was our three-year-old son telling Bon Jovi that Jesus loved him. No matter how big the stage became or who was standing on it, the message never changed. Darrell always made Jesus at the center.

More Than Music

The music was only one part of the story. There were the concerts, the tours, the recording studios, the famous musicians, and the unexpected opportunities. But behind all of it was a deeper purpose. Darrell wanted people to know Jesus. The stages changed. The crowds changed. The places changed. But the message remained the same.

Sometimes success is the greater test. When God begins opening doors, opportunities multiply. More concerts lead to more travel. More people create more demands. Greater recognition creates greater expectations. The very blessings we prayed for can eventually leave us so busy that we have little time left to pray. That is why success requires just as much surrender as hardship. Hardship teaches us to depend on God when we have nothing left, but success can teach us whether we will continue to depend on Him when we have everything we thought we wanted. Success can tempt us to rely on ourselves. Both the highs and the lows require true surrender—giving God the glory in the good times and trusting Him in the hard times. Nothing we have is truly ours; everything is a gift from Him.

THE BATTLE OF PRIDE

There is a battle that will try to quietly creep in—pride. As musicians stand on the stage in the spotlight, while hundreds or even thousands of people watch them, people admire their talent, praise their voice, compliment their anointing, ask for autographs, and sometimes treat them as though they are somehow more important than everyone else. That is where pride becomes dangerous. The platform can become a place where identity is built around applause. Success can begin to determine our value. We can become disappointed when someone else receives more attention or jealous when another musician gets an opportunity we wanted. The enemy doesn’t always need to destroy a ministry from the outside. Sometimes he only needs to get inside the heart. The ministry belongs to God. The gifts and talents belong to God. The opportunities belong to God. The people belong to God. And the glory belongs to God. We are simply stewards of what He has entrusted to us.

THE PRESSURE TO APPEAR STRONG

There is another battle that people rarely see—the pressure to appear spiritually strong all the time. When people look up to you, they assume you have everything together. They may see you singing worship, preaching the Gospel, praying for others, and encouraging people through their struggles. But musicians are human. They have bad days. They become discouraged. They get tired. They struggle with their marriages. They have fears, disappointments, insecurities, and wounds. Yet sometimes there is an unspoken expectation that because someone is in Christian ministry, they shouldn’t struggle. That can make it difficult to ask for help. A musician can stand in front of hundreds of people and sing about trusting God while privately struggling to trust Him with something in his own life. That doesn’t make the ministry fake. It makes the person human. But it does mean, like the Bible says, we need people to be accountable to us, who know us beyond the stage—people who will pray for us, challenge us, speak truth to us, and love us enough to tell us when something in our lives is beginning to shift.

THE VULNERABILITY OF THE ROAD

Touring in the ministry also brings its own challenges. Being on the road means staying in hotels, eating meals with different people, meeting admirers, being praised, people serving you, being tired and vulnerable, and being away from your spouse and family for extended periods. When someone is admired and placed on a pedestal, attention from others can become addicting, and a compliment that seems innocent can become dangerous. That is why marriage and ministry require intentional protection. You cannot assume that because you love Jesus, you are automatically immune to temptation. You have to guard your heart. You have to have strong morals and convictions. You have to be honest. And you have to remain accountable. The enemy is patient. He often begins with something that appears harmless and slowly turns it into something destructive.

THE COST TO THE FAMILY

The family also pays a price for a life on the road. The constant touring, frequent time away from family, and the unseen pressures of ministry life can place tremendous strain on marriages and families. More often than not, it is the wives who remain at home, carrying the weight of raising children, managing the household, and keeping everything together alone, while their husbands are away ministering. Children may understand that their father is doing something important for God, but that doesn’t mean they don’t miss him. A wife can fully support her husband’s calling and still feel lonely when he is gone. There can be conflicting emotions. You can be proud of what God is doing through your husband and still wish he were home. You can celebrate the lives being changed while quietly grieving the family moments being missed. You can be grateful for the opportunity to serve God and still feel exhausted by the demands of ministry. Those feelings don’t make you selfish or unspiritual. They make you human.

As Calvary Chapel Costa Mesa continued to grow throughout Southern California, Pastor Chuck Smith understood that the church could not stay within the four walls of a building and expect the world to come looking for Jesus. He believed the church needed to go out and reach people where they were.

REACHING PEOPLE WHERE THEY WERE

With that vision in his heart, Pastor Chuck launched a major three-night Christian event at Anaheim Stadium called the Harvest Crusade. He believed people should be able to come freely, without the pressure of having to pay for a ticket. He would not charge people to attend the events he was involved with because he understood that the Gospel was a gift—and it was meant to be given freely. Darrell was invited to sing at many of the Harvest Crusades, which was a tremendous honor and blessing. I will never forget standing there and watching thousands of people fill Anaheim Stadium to capacity—nearly 30,000 people each night. Night after night, people responded to the Gospel, and hundreds of people came forward.

ONE PERSON AT A TIME

After people made their decisions for Christ, they were invited backstage where they could receive prayer and a free Bible. Afterwards, Darrell would go off the stage to the ground and pray with people, encourage them, and make sure they knew they were loved. He never seemed concerned about how long it took. He would stay until he had the opportunity to minister to everyone who wanted prayer or a personal word.

BEYOND THE STAGE

The music was powerful, the crowds were enormous, and seeing hundreds respond to the Gospel was amazing. But behind the stage, away from the lights and the applause, was where I often saw the true heart of the music ministry. It was one person at a time. One prayer at a time. One life at a time. And I believe that is what music ministry is supposed to be about—not entertaining a crowd, but reaching a heart.

As the years went by, somewhere between music ministry and everyday life, something began to change. I experienced how easy it can be for music ministry to slowly become the priority, while the marriage and family quietly receive less and less.

In the midst of it all, the things that matter most—the marriage, the family, and simply making time for one another—can slowly begin to lose their place, not because they matter less, but because everything else begins demanding more.  It wasn't intentional, and it didn't happen all at once. It’s subtle—a gradual loss of balance that can happen when you let your guard down, and the focus slowly shifts towards a different direction. We needed prayer. We needed God's direction. We needed to stay close to Jesus. We needed to keep our priorities in the right place. We needed God’s strength. We needed humility. We needed wisdom. We needed accountability. We needed the Word of God. More than anything, we needed to be on our knees every day, depending on the Lord in prayer. The goal should never be to build a great ministry. The goal should be to remain faithful to Jesus. And when the music stops, the crowds go home, the lights go out, and the stage is empty, there is a question that matters most: Are we still following Him?

I wish I had understood then what I understand now: not every warning sign means something terrible is happening, but every warning sign is worth paying attention to. Sometimes the warning is obvious. Other times, it is subtle—a feeling that something has changed, a relationship that is becoming too close, or a boundary that is slowly becoming less defined. Looking back, I can see warning signs I didn't fully understand at the time.  There were two situations that are worth mentioning because they became life-changing lessons for me. They opened my eyes and woke me up to a side of the ministry I had never seen or heard of before. I had no idea that some of these things were actually quite common in the ministry.

WHEN SUPPORT BECOMES SOMETHING MORE

The first situation began innocently enough. A married couple started attending Darrell’s concerts. They seemed genuinely supportive of the ministry and happy to be there. Before long, they began helping us sell merchandise. It seemed like a simple act of kindness—people who believed in what Darrell was doing and wanted to help. Later, while Darrell was recording an album at the studio, they began spending more time there. They would bring him food and drinks and help with errands when his demanding schedule left little time for anything else. At first, I didn't think anything of it. They were helpful. I had no reason to believe their intentions were anything other than good. They lived much closer to the studio, which made things convenient for Darrell. Instead of driving two hours each way, he could stay nearby and spend less time on the road. At first, it seemed harmless—simply a matter of convenience. But the more time they spent together, the more comfortable the relationship became. What had once seemed like ordinary support for the ministry began to feel different to me. From the outside, none of it necessarily appeared threatening. It could easily be explained away as friendship, kindness, and convenience. They were helpful. They were supportive. They seemed to care about Darrell and the ministry. But little by little, something began to change. I began to see a pattern with the wife that started to concern me. I started to get an uneasy feeling in my spirit. What had started out as something innocent was slowly becoming something I could no longer ignore. I couldn't have explained exactly what was wrong. There was no single moment when everything suddenly became clear.  It was more subtle than that. I simply began to sense in my spirit that something wasn't right. There was nothing I could do but pray. If this can happen to me, this can happen to anyone.

THE WARNING IN THE NIGHT

Twice, I was awakened in the middle of the night from a deep sleep. The first time, it happened completely out of nowhere. An overwhelming sense came over me and jolted me awake. I sat straight up in bed, gasping heavily for air. I couldn't tell whether it was a spiritual attack or whether it was God trying to get my attention. I immediately began praying, rebuking the enemy and asking God to remove anything from the room that was not from Him, just in case it was Satan. Then, as I continued to pray, I heard clearly in my spirit: “Darrell needs to get out of that house!” I sat quietly afterward, thinking about what had just happened. It was around 9:30 p.m., and Darrell was staying at the couple's house. I knew he would be awake, so I called him. I explained how I had been awakened from a deep sleep, sat straight up in bed gasping for air, and then felt so strongly that God was telling me he needed to get out of that house. But Darrell shook it off. He told me, “That wasn't God.” I listened to what he was saying and believed him. I wanted there to be another explanation. Maybe it had been a bad dream. Maybe I had simply awakened in a panic. But deep down, I could not shake the feeling that what happened that night was significant. Then, two nights later, it happened exactly the same way again. This time, it was 2:30 a.m. when I was awakened from a deep sleep by that same overwhelming sense of urgency. I sat straight up in bed, gasping for air. The feeling was unmistakable. It was the same warning, the same urgency, and the same deep sense that something was wrong. I prayed in the Spirit, claiming the Blood of Jesus and telling Satan to leave the room, if it was him. Then I prayed again. “God said, ‘Darrell needs to get out of that house!’” This time, I knew in my spirit that God was confirming what I had sensed before. I stayed up the rest of the night praying, waiting until I could call Darrell at 7:00. Again, I told Darrell what had happened. Again, he said, “No, that was not God.” But I could not dismiss it. I knew there was nothing more I could do at that moment except pray.

WHEN I KNEW I NEEDED HELP

I made an appointment with the pastor's wife at Calvary Chapel. She told me that situations like this happened far more often than people realized. She explained that she had seen relationships like these become dangerous when men became so involved that they eventually stopped going home to their wives and families. I was surprised. I had thought what I was experiencing was unusual. The hardest thing for me to understand was how these situations could happen among people who loved the Lord and wanted to serve Him. That experience taught me that loving Jesus doesn't automatically make us immune to temptation, unhealthy attachments, or poor boundaries. We still need wisdom, discernment, accountability, and the humility to recognize when something is becoming unhealthy before it causes deep damage.

WHEN THREE PASTORS HAD TO GET INVOLVED

It took three pastors getting involved to help bring the relationship to an end. By that point, the situation had become so serious that we could no longer handle it on our own. One of the pastors asked me, “How long has this been going on?” I told him, “Eighteen months.” He looked at me and said, “You let this go on too long"..  "You babied Darrell.” His words were difficult to hear. But then he admitted something that surprised me. He told me that he had babied Darrell too and had seen other pastors do the same thing. That was the most difficult lesson I had ever had to learn the hard way: we have to pay attention when something doesn't feel right and seek counsel before a situation has the opportunity to cause deep damage. Eventually, Darrell admitted that the couple had begun trying to persuade him to leave our family and be with them and the wife's girlfriend. I knew Darrell was going to be angry that I had involved the pastors and asked them to help get him out of the house. But I also knew there was no other choice. I needed help.

THE WOUND THAT REMAINED

This was, by far, the most painful experience of my life. I carried anger, resentment, and deep hurt toward both the couple and Darrell. At the time, I didn't realize how deeply those emotions were taking root in my heart or how much they were beginning to build a wall around me. I didn't know it then, but this pain would eventually lead me to a place where I desperately needed God's healing. What had wounded my heart would become part of the journey that led me toward forgiveness, inner healing, and freedom.

THE SECOND SITUATION

The second situation was not nearly as serious as the first, but it is still important enough to mention, because I could relate to what I was seeing. I had experienced something similar myself. There was a time when I found myself becoming very attracted to Darrell's bass player. I didn't plan for it, and I certainly wasn't looking for it, but I realized I was becoming distracted. I knew I needed to step away from the situation, even though it was difficult. I had to make a conscious choice to create distance and not allow those feelings to take me somewhere they shouldn't go. One day, Darrell told me there was something he wanted to tell me. I told him that I had something I needed to tell him too. He said, “You go first.” So I told him the truth. I told him that I had developed feelings for someone. He asked who it was, and I told him it was his bass player. He said, “That’s better than who I was thinking it was.” I asked, “Who did you think it was?” He said, “I’m not going to tell you.” Then he walked out of the room. Darrell handled it really well. He simply listened, responded calmly, and walked away. I told him that his bass player didn't even know how I felt. I had kept it to myself because I knew they were something I needed to deal with. I knew I needed to step away before those feelings could become something more. Not long after that, the bass player was no longer in the band. I never asked Darrell what he had been going to tell me that day. To this day, I don't know what he was going to say. I've sometimes wondered about it, but I have never tried to fill in the blanks or assume what was on his mind. What I do know is that I had to be honest about what was happening in my own heart. I had to recognize that I was becoming distracted and make the difficult decision to walk away. I'm so happy nothing happened between us, but I learned that feelings can become dangerous if we continue to feed them or put ourselves in situations where they can grow. That experience gave me a much deeper understanding of what I can see in certain situations. I wasn't standing on the outside judging. I knew firsthand how easy it can be to become attracted to someone, especially when you spend time around them and receive attention from them. I also learned that recognizing what is happening in our own hearts is incredibly important, and when God tells us to step away, we need to obey Him—even when it is difficult. That experience made me realize that none of us are above temptation or immune to becoming emotionally distracted by someone else, and that any of us can become a groupie. Things don't always happen suddenly. Sometimes they happen little by little, and the warning signs can be easy to want to overlook. What may begin as innocent admiration, wanting to help, or enjoying being around someone can gradually become a desire for more attention, recognition, or closeness. That is why we need to be careful about where our attention is going and what is becoming important to us. We are all dealing with the same enemy who the Bible says is out to devour and destroy us. We need to protect our marriages and families while keeping Jesus at the center. There was another married couple who became involved with the ministry. The husband wanted to be in the band, while his wife wanted to be on stage and involved with the ministry. At first, there didn't seem to be anything wrong with that.. But I began to notice the way this man's wife interacted with Darrell and the band. She would serve them, bring them water, and make sure they had whatever they needed. She seemed to give them a great deal of her attention. I remember one particular moment when she was making sure Darrell and the other band members had water, while her own husband looked thirsty too. Yet she didn't offer him anything. Eventually, he had to go get his own water. It was a small thing, and by itself, it may not have meant anything. It certainly wasn't my place to judge, especially since her husband didn't seem to care. He was focused on wanting to be in the band. I didn't want to watch the situation, but, honestly, it was somewhat entertaining.

WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED

One morning, I woke with a very strong sense from the Lord that He wanted me to say something to the husband. I felt God heavily impress upon my heart that I needed to warn him. My immediate reaction was I hid under the sheets.  “No, Please! I don't want to get involved.”  I didn't know if I was right. I needed more time. I didn't know if I cared enough. I knew how difficult these situations could become, and I didn't want to step into something that had nothing to do with me. The truth is, I hate confronting people. It is not something that comes naturally to me, and I would much rather avoid confrontation than risk making someone uncomfortable or creating conflict. I also didn't want to assume something was wrong when I couldn't know what was really going on in someone else's heart.  I thought, "I'll wait and see if the Lord brings it to my attention again". So I let it go. Only a few minutes later, that same strong feeling came again. This time, instead of resisting, I stopped and prayed. I asked the Lord to give me a Scripture to confirm what I was sensing and to make it clear whether I truly needed to speak to him. I opened my Bible, and to my surprise, the very first word I saw was the name of a Bible character who had the same name as the husband. In that moment, I knew the Lord was confirming what He wanted me to do.

OBEYING WHEN IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE

I asked the Lord to show me when I was suppose to do this, and give me the right words and the wisdom to know how to approach him. I called him and asked if we could meet so I could talk with him. He agreed. When we met, I shared how the Lord woke me up that morning and told me to speak with him and that I did not want to do it. Then I told him about the warning signs I was seeing and about the Scripture God had given me. I told him what concerned me and why I believed he needed to be careful. But to my surprise, he did not want to listen. He was so eager to be part of the band that he did not see what I was trying to tell him. I was relieved when the conversation was over, and I felt a peace that I did what God told me to do.

WHEN THE CHOICE IS THEIRS

I had warned him, but ultimately, the choice was his. We cannot make another person's decisions for them. He chose to remain in the situation rather than step back and protect his marriage and family.  Over time, it slowly became worse. Sadly, it did not end well for their marriage or their family. The most important lesson I learned was that when God tells us to do something, we need to obey Him. Sometimes obedience is difficult, especially when we don't understand why God is asking us to do something or when we know it may be uncomfortable. But we have to trust Him and do what He is telling us to do. The Bible says, “Obedience is better than sacrifice.” Sometimes we may want to avoid confrontation, stay out of something, or convince ourselves that it isn't our place to get involved. But when God clearly tells us to speak, we need to speak. When He tells us to step back, we need to step back. Our responsibility is not to control the outcome—it is to obey Him. We can warn someone, pray for them, and do what God asks us to do; but obviously, we cannot make their choices for them. Their decisions are ultimately between them and God..

To those around Darrell, he appeared strong, confident, successful, and full of purpose. He seemed to have everything a Christian musician could hope for — a loving family, a growing ministry, and the privilege of using his gifts to serve God and lead people to Jesus Christ. Behind the ministry, behind the smiles, and behind what appeared to be a successful Christian life, there were battles that few people knew about. Behind the music, the applause, the recognition, the spotlight and the constant demands of ministry, a very different story was unfolding.

Years of non-stop travel, relentless pressure, physical exhaustion, and a private struggle that Darrell carried largely on his own, slowly began to take their toll. I never knew how much he was struggling beneath the surface or how heavy the burden had become. A person can look strong on the outside, smile, laugh, encourage others, while inside they may be struggling just to hold themselves together, only God knows what is happening in the deepest places of their heart.

Darrell always came across as someone who was magnetic and full of life. He could walk into a room and immediately draw people to him.

Then one weekend, everything changed.

Darrell had just returned home from a concert in San Jose, a three-hour drive from our home in Cambria, California. The following weekend, he was scheduled to sing and minister at a Calvary Chapel pastors’ conference in Murrieta, that was six hours away. There were going to be over three hundred pastors gathering for encouragement and fellowship. It was an event Darrell always looked forward to. Many of the pastors were close friends whom he deeply loved and respected. But he never arrived.

Throughout the week, Darrell's behavior was alarming. He was not acting like himself. The things he said and did were strange, confusing, and deeply unsettling. I had no idea what was happening or how serious it would become. I felt completely unprepared. I didn't know if I should call a pastor or contact the police. I just kept praying.

One day, I found him standing alone in the hallway, silently staring up at the hanging light fixture. When I asked what he was doing, he quietly answered, "I'm contemplating." I didn't know what he meant. I sensed he was thinking about something dark or desperate, but I couldn't imagine what it was. I stood there feeling confused and uneasy, not knowing what to say or how to help.

It reached the point where it frightened me. Another day, he stood at our bedroom window, staring outside. Pointing toward the street, he said, "See that little old lady walking by with the beanie? She's in on it." For a brief moment, I almost laughed because it sounded so absurd. But I quickly realized he wasn't joking. I looked at the sweet little elderly woman walking down the quiet street in the quaint town of Cambria and thought, How could she possibly be "in on" anything? Nothing about it made sense.

With each passing day, his behavior became more disturbing. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I had no idea what was happening or how to help him. By the fourth day, he was consumed by thoughts and staring straight at the wall. It was very obvious that something was wrong, but I didn't know whether I was witnessing a spiritual battle, a mental breakdown or something else entirely.

Deep down, I hoped this was the crossroads I had been waiting for. I wanted to believe that maybe this was a new beginning for us—the fulfillment of the Scripture we had read before we were married, when we believed the difficult years would eventually give way to easier ones. I hoped the hardest part was finally behind us. I prayed that God was leading us in a new direction and that we were entering a season of restoration and peace. Little did I know that our greatest trial was still ahead of us.

Later that afternoon, Darrell was lying quietly on the bed when he told me he needed to talk to me. There was a heaviness in his voice that immediately caught my attention. Looking at me with deep sadness, he said, "I'm filled with guilt and shame, and my ministry is over." I stared at him in disbelief, trying to understand what he meant. Stunned by what I had just heard, I immediately asked, "Why?" He looked at me and said, "I can't tell you. You'll have to guess."

I said, “Okay.” “Are you doing drugs?” I asked. “No.” “Are you having an affair?” “No.” Then I asked, “Are you drinking alcohol?” He looked at me and quietly answered, “Yes.” I paused and said, “Out of the three, that’s the best one.” At the time, I had no idea how much that conversation would matter or where it would eventually lead us.

I knew I was completely out of my league. I didn’t know what was okay to say, what questions to ask, or how to help. My heart went out to him. I couldn’t begin to imagine what he was going through. I had always known Darrell as a man who was strong, full of courage, and ready to take on the world. Now, as I looked at him, he seemed like a stranger. The confidence and the free-spirit I had always admired was gone, replaced by a man weighed down by guilt, shame, and despair.

Darrell had always intentionally stayed away from drugs and alcohol ever since he was a teenager because he had grown up witnessing its destructive effects from his parents. Determined not to repeat those patterns, he avoided drinking period. Yet addiction has a way of developing quietly. I asked him, "Why did you start drinking?" What he shared next helped me understand how something that began so lightly gradually became a hardship that changed the course of our lives.

He told me that for many years, while ministering throughout Europe, sharing wine with dinner was a common part of the culture, even among those he ministered with. Wanting to be respectful of his hosts, he began having wine with them. Neither of us could have imagined that what began as an occasional glass of wine would gradually grow into a struggle that would affect our entire family and eventually change the course of our lives.

After Darrell's confession, I wanted desperately to believe that this was the beginning of healing. For years, I had held tightly to the words God had given us twenty-five years earlier. I hoped we had finally reached the chapter He had shown us all those years ago — the season when the difficult times would come to an end and our lives would become easier. But in the days that followed, Darrell's behavior continued to raise alarming red flags. Instead of things getting better, everything seemed to be collapsing around us. The hope I had been holding onto began to slowly fade.

Within days, everything was falling apart in ways I never could have imagined. The life we had built together was about to change forever, and our family would be thrust into the greatest trial we had ever faced. We never truly know everything our loved ones do once they walk out the door. I had no idea that alcohol had become part of Darrell's life while he was touring.

Even so, I believed there was a purpose in all of it. I knew that everything we were going through was not going to be meaningless. I had been caught completely by surprise, but I knew God had not. He knew what was coming long before I did, and for reasons I could not yet understand, He allowed it. Although I couldn't see His purpose at the time, I trusted that one day He would reveal it.

I knew I had only two choices. I could trust Jesus, choose to live by faith, and keep my eyes fixed on Him, knowing that the moment I looked down at the water, I would begin to sink. Or I could take matters into my own hands and try to handle the situation my own way. The truth was, I had no idea what that would even look like. I had no answers, no solutions, and no way of knowing what was going to happen next. But I knew this: my Heavenly Father loved us. He was already taking care of the things I could not fix or control. I had to trust His plan even when I didn't understand it. I had to trust Him more than I trusted myself.

As the situation became increasingly frightening and overwhelming with each passing day, I felt more and more helpless. I wondered what was happening to Darrell and what would happen to our family. Then, everything began moving in a direction I never could have imagined.

TWO PHONE CALLS

Friday came and Darrell left for the pastors' conference. As he drove away, I was deeply concerned. His behavior throughout the week had become increasingly scary, and I didn't know what to expect. The next morning, I received a phone call from one of the pastors hosting the conference. He asked if I knew where Darrell was because he had never arrived. I told him I hadn't heard from him and shared everything that had been happening during the past week. After listening, he said, "I'm going to contact other pastors right away, and we're going to begin praying for Darrell immediately." Hearing those words brought me an overwhelming sense of relief. For the first time, I felt like I wasn't carrying this burden alone.

About an hour later, I received another phone call and it was from the hospital. The words are forever etched in my memory: "Your husband was in a car accident last night. He tried to take his life, and he's here in the hospital in San Luis Obispo." I was shocked and immediately began to cry. Fighting back my fear, I asked, "Is he okay?" There was a brief pause before the voice on the other end replied, "He's going to be okay. He's in the intensive care unit on suicide watch, and you can come see him as soon as you're able." Relief washed over me that he had survived, but my heart was shattered.

TURNED AROUND

It was around 8:30 that evening, and darkness had already settled over Highway 1. As Darrell was driving toward Murrieta, somewhere along the way he turned around and headed back home. About a mile outside of Cambria, he felt as though he were trapped in a dark hole with no way out. The despair had become so overwhelming that he could no longer see a way forward. He accelerated his convertible Mustang to a high speed. Suddenly, he slammed on the brakes and turned the steering wheel sharply to the left. As the car crossed over Highway 1 it flew in the air and into the darkness and Darrell took off his seatbelt. When the car finally landed the front end of the Mustang struck the ground with such force that Darrell was thrown through the convertible top and landed head down in a watery ditch. Somehow, a man came to Darrell's aid and pulled him from the water. Darrell never saw the man again, and to this day, we have never discovered the name of the stranger who pulled him from that water. I have often wondered who that man was. I will always be grateful that he was there when Darrell needed help. The impact was so severe that the car's battery was never found, and almost everything in the Mustang was destroyed. The only things that survived the wreckage were Darrell’s Bible, his harmonicas, and his harmonica belt.

THE DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL

As I drove to the hospital, I prayed the entire way. My mind was filled with fear and unanswered questions. What kind of injuries had Darrell suffered? Would he be covered in bandages or lying in a body cast? Had he broken bones? Would his face be covered with stitches? Was his nose broken? Would he even be conscious when I arrived? I tried to prepare myself for the worst, but nothing could calm the uncertainty of not knowing what I was about to find. When I walked into the hospital room and saw Darrell lying in the hospital bed, I was overwhelmed with relief. After everything I had imagined on the drive there, I could hardly believe my eyes. Aside from a black eye, he appeared unharmed. He wasn't covered in bandages, he didn't have stitches, no broken bones, no internal bleeding and he wasn't in a body cast. It was nothing short of a miracle that he had survived such a horrific crash with only one eye injury. All the frightening thoughts I had imagined on the drive there disappeared. I was deeply thankful that, despite everything that had happened, I could sit beside him and talk with him. Our conversation was quiet. I tried not to ask too many questions because Darrell spoke very little. He seemed deeply saddened by what had happened. My heart ached for him, and also for our children. Three of them were so young, while our two teenage boys were at an age when they desperately needed their dad.

SUICIDE WATCH

While Darrell was in the hospital, he remained on suicide watch. Three days later, he was released and allowed to come home. But his suicide attempt had shattered our family. We were all in shock. How do you explain to children that their dad—the man they loved, looked up to, and depended on—had tried to take his own life? How do you explain a kind of emotional pain so overwhelming that someone can reach a place where they no longer see a way forward? And how do you help children understand that their father loved them deeply, yet was struggling with a pain he could not see beyond? The kids were left trying to process something far beyond their understanding. Their sense of security had been shaken, and the innocence of what they had known was gone. Our family would never be the same.

MENTAL HOSPITAL

When darrell was released from the hospital he was put into a small mental health facility that had a homey atmosphere. It wasn’t anything I was expecting. I visited him every day. Everyone was really nice from the staff to the patients. Darrell hated it with a passion. Everyday he asked the doctor if he could go home. I did my best to help him try to appreciate the help he was getting. But nothing worked. On the sixth day, Darrell and I were sitting in a nice living room and the doctor came in to talk to him. Once again, Darrell begged the doctor to let him out trying really hard to convince the doctor that he was better now. The doctor said, “Darrell I don’t think you are ready to be released yet, but because your wife is here everyday and you have a lot of support, I am going to go against what I feel and let you out early. But one thing I ask is that you better not hurt yourself; especially hurt someone else. If you do, I will feel really bad”. Darrell was so excited and assured the doctor that there was no way he was going to hurt himself or anyone else. The doctor signed the papers, and Darrell and I walked out the door.

DRIVING HOME

As we drove home, we had a light conversation. When we got closer to Cambria, an eerie silence filled the car. Neither of us spoke as we approached the skid marks where Darrell had driven off the road only days earlier. I couldn't begin to imagine what had been going through his mind when he turned his car toward the ditch. The pain he must have been carrying was beyond anything I could fully understand. Darrell sat quietly beside me. He had survived physically, but something inside him was still deeply broken. He wasn't the same man who had left home just days before. I could see that the battle within him was far from over. I was trying to hold everything together. There was no way to make what had happened feel normal. Now when I look back, I can see that God was already preparing me for what was still to come. I couldn't see it at the time, but Jesus was teaching me to trust Him in ways I never imagined I would need to. There was another difficult chapter ahead — one that would bring me face-to-face with my own need to completely surrender to God.

Nine days later, tragedy struck again.

The moment I came face-to-face with what could have been the most craziest moment of my life, and yet felt no fear or anger, I knew that inner healing was real. It was no longer just a biblical concept I had learned about—it was something I had experienced firsthand. In that moment, I felt the presence of Jesus surrounding me with a peace that was beyond my understanding. Instead of fear, there was peace. Instead of anger, there was forgiveness. It was something I could not have produced on my own. It was the evidence of what God had been doing in my heart all along. It was truly amazing.

I was deeply touched by the kindness so many people showed during that chapter of my life. I was truly grateful that so many pastors, friends, and family members loved Darrell, genuinely cared about him, and were sincerely concerned for his well-being. Their prayers, compassion, and encouragement meant more to me than I could ever express. But I was surprised by how often I was asked the same question:   "How could you not know Darrell was drinking?" The question surprised me every time. I never knew how to answer. I had grown up in a Christian home where alcohol was never part of our lives. I had never seen my parents drink, I never drank, I never got drunk, and I had never been around alcoholism. Darrell never drank at home, and I had no understanding of how addiction could be hidden, especially in someone who was surrounded by people and active in ministry. Darrell and I talked on the phone for hours every day. As we shared our thoughts and feelings, I could hear the deep emotional pain he was carrying. Eventually, I began visiting him at the psychiatric hospital in Atascadero.

Six months after the accident, I returned for a follow-up appointment with Dr. Devine. As I walked into his office, I couldn't help but think that he was about to witness a miracle. When he studied my X-rays, he stood there in amazement and said, "I can't believe these are your X-rays." Every bone in my foot had healed and come back together. It was a miracle. From the very beginning, I never experienced the pain the doctor had warned me about, and I never needed the pain medication he prescribed. That was another miracle. Today, I have no pain, no limp, and complete use of my foot. I will always be grateful to God for His healing. What seemed impossible became possible through Him.

After the two accidents, however, I remained committed to our marriage—for better or for worse. As much as I sometimes longed for a different path, I believed I was called to remain faithful to the vows I had made before God. Then another crisis occurred, and once again, Darrell had to be rushed to the hospital. As I cried out to the Lord in prayer, I was overwhelmed with grief. I had reached a place of exhaustion where I didn't know what else to do. And in that moment, Jesus spoke to my heart with unmistakable clarity:

“It is finished. You have done everything.”

Those words brought an unexpected peace. It was as though a weight I had carried for years was suddenly lifted from my shoulders. I knew in my heart that this chapter of our lives had come to an end. I also knew that God, in His wisdom, had a different path ahead for both Darrell and me. I didn't understand everything He was doing. I didn't know what the future would look like. But for the first time, I understood that I didn't have to know. God knew. He had known all along what would unfold, and He had remained faithfully by our side through every season, just as He always had. Our years together were filled with unforgettable joys, painful trials, beautiful memories, deep wounds, unexpected blessings, and life-changing lessons. I may have been completely taken by surprise by the way our story unfolded, but God was not surprised. He was already there. Even when we could not see the way ahead, He was going before us, guiding our steps and accomplishing His purposes in ways we could not yet understand. Some things only became clear with time. Looking back, one of the most valuable lessons I have learned is this: When we are going through an extremely difficult season, praying day and night and waiting for an answer that doesn't seem to come, it does not mean God isn't listening. He is already at work behind the scenes. He is preparing hearts. He is arranging circumstances. He is opening some doors and closing others. He is moving the right people into the right places at exactly the right time. He is doing countless things we simply cannot see. Our natural instinct is to want our problems solved immediately. We want answers. We want resolution. We want to know what God is doing and why He is allowing certain things to happen. But Scripture teaches us to wait for His perfect timing. Waiting is rarely easy. Yet it is often in those seasons of waiting that our faith grows deepest and our trust in Him becomes strongest. Then, when the trial has passed, we can look back and begin to see His hand woven through every detail. We recognize that He was working even when we thought nothing was happening. We begin to understand why He asked us to wait. We see how He orchestrated events in ways we never could have imagined. As I reflect on my life, I realize this pattern is found throughout the Bible. Abraham waited for the promised son. Joseph waited through prison before becoming a ruler. David waited for years after being anointed king. Esther was placed in the palace “for such a time as this.” Again and again, God's people were called to trust Him before they could see the outcome. And again and again, God proved that His timing was perfect. That is why I have come to believe that this is the only way to truly live—with complete trust in God's wisdom, confident that even when I cannot see what He is doing, He is faithfully working all things together according to His purposes and for our good. And through everything, one truth remains unmistakable to me: Jesus shone through Darrell's life. His love for Jesus was genuine, and his calling was one of the driving forces behind his life. His faith and heartfelt message inspired people around the world. I treasure the lessons God taught me through both the joys and the trials we shared. I can now see how He faithfully used those years to transform my heart. Through the ministry of inner healing and through the presence of Jesus, God taught me the life-changing power of forgiveness, healing, surrender, and His unfailing love.